In a funk

Lately a lot of the bloggers I read have been expressing feelings of...well...less than happiness. The blogger then follows up his or her very honest, original post with another post trying to explain that they weren't specifically trying to offend anyone - they just needed to paint the picture that despite what you may read on their blog, life is not all roses and sunshine.

Word.

I'm going to put my disclaimer right up front to avoid having to explain myself afterwards: This post is not inspired by or directed towards any specific person(s). It is simply the result of hormones, exhaustion, hot weather, and stress. If you are reading this, I am not talking about you or anything you've done.

So, as I have reached and passed the halfway point of this pregnancy, there have been a lot of tears. Not for any specific reason, I'll just be talking - or typing - and boom. Cue the waterworks. I've somehow gotten away from my new life philosophy of going with the flow and simply trying to find the joy in situations. I've been over-thinking, over-analyzing, over-planning and in general over-feeling everything. It's making me miserable and it is about to start interfering with my day-to-day relationships.

I've been very stressed about this pregnancy. When I took my first HPT, I was shocked and scared. After realizing this was meant to be, I've been so looking forward to this baby. I know that my history of pre-term delivery means I have to prepare myself for the chance that it may happen again and I was okay with that. But as time goes on, I'm getting more and more stressed out. Throw in the placenta previa, the bleeds (yes, more than one now), the "catastrophic" risks of VBAC - thanks to Dr. C. for telling Brian THAT - and it's all starting to wear me down.

So I try to take care of myself by resting more. But the second I start to do that, I start to stress about how much time I'm spending with the three kids I already have. They are certainly going to suffer a little when Mommy goes to the hospital to deliver and in the first few weeks of the new baby's life while I'm sleep-deprived and nursing. So I try to spend as much time interacting with them NOW as possible. But am I doing enough? It never seems to feel like it. So I end up doing more than I should and then I feel like crap again and then...repeat cycle.

The other thing I've been thinking about lately is the birth itself. I was so thrilled to think I'd be a good VBAC candidate. Now with the previa, it's not as likely. Then Dr. C decided to run down all the risks in front of my dear husband who is now not so on board with putting myself at risk (assuming the previa goes away) just to avoid the surgery. Of course, even if I wanted to schedule a repeat C-Section, it is highly unlikely still that I will make it to 39 weeks so...again...there is no way to know what is going to happen.

Getting past the actual birth, there is the immediate 12-24 hours after delivery that I am playing over and over in my head. Neither of my previous births went down as expected and my best laid plans for post-delivery visitation were blown out the window. This will not happen again. I refuse to have it go down any way other than how I want it this time. (The post-delivery, that is). We are a family of 5, soon to be 6. There will be no visitors until I have personally introduced my children to their new sibling. There will be no visitors until my pain is under control and I can sit there with a legitimate smile on my face. And I don't care how big my room is, there will not be more than 4 people in it at any one time. Hospital rooms are not for parties; they are for recovering and healing from a traumatic physical event before going home to deal with real life. At least my hospital room is going to be! I'm going home to four kids - 3 under the age of 2. I will need all the rest that hospital stay will allow me to have and I intend to get that rest this time. The baby will be on full display - at home.

Now, let's talk about the underlying stress everyone has when adding another child - money. Geesh. 4 kids in daycare or one parent staying home full-time? Factor in who makes what vs. who takes home what benefits vs. who is more prepared to be the full-time, stay-at-home parent and....there is no clear answer. Brian just started his own business. We have no IDEA what the next year holds for that. But we know we can't abandon it and/or our investment in it without giving it a 120% chance. We also know I have a steady paycheck, great benefits and a 401K that he can't offer himself at this point....So, we're not sure yet. And, again, the not knowing KILLS me.

I want a plan. A clear outline of what is coming in the next 6 months, 12 months, 18 months. And I don't have it. I have a foggy mental image. We do have a 6 week plan. Hopefully the pregnancy will cooperate and keep that on track.

So when I cry, it's not because the baby threw his food on the floor or Alaina had a potty accident. It's a culmination of EVERYTHING. Because this girl at this point in time is incapable of not having the pee on the floor lead to a anxiety attack about how the unborn baby will be born!

There it's all out there. I'm hoping just the simple act of having typed all of this will go a little way towards helping me to relax about all of it. I know that hormones are raging and contributing to the high-stress level. But holding it in doesn't help either. God, I love blogging. If you're still reading this post, thank you for listening. And again, this has nothing to do with you. It's just a pregnant lady blowing off steam.

Disturbing Things, Part 2

Filling my gas tank and realizing that for $5 I hadn't even put two gallons of gas into my car yet. I remember when going to the gas station with a $5 bill was perfectly adequate.

Maybe City Living Would Be Better

I bet when you live in a city you do not have to call off your afternoon walk due to a black bear sighting your neighborhood.

Disturbing Things

Watching "Yo Gabba Gabba" with Alaina last night only to be confronted with "Biz's Beat of the Day". For those of you who aren't on the Yo Gabba Gabba scene, I'm referring to 90s one-hit wonder Biz Markie. Ugh. This was worse than the first time I saw They Might Be Giants on the Disney channel.

Concerts I Won't Be Attending

After last year's disappointment over missing the Police and Genesis reunion concerts, let's see, who I will not be seeing in concert THIS summer due to pregnancy and the inability to stand on my feet for any period of time:

Pearl Jam
Stone Temple Pilots (Reunion!)
R.E.M. - with Modest Mouse
New Kids on the Block (Reunion!)
Poison (probably not as fun anymore anyway now that Rock of Love has aired)

Oh, and just to be cruel, The Police are coming around "one last time" before going back into retirement. And they are coming to my area with Elvis Costello. Grr...

Last year I did manage to get to two nice, sit-down concerts with the boys in-utero: Aaron Lewis (of Staind) does a great acoustic show and I was able to see my boyfriend Josh Groban as well. Will there be a concert I can take my tummy to this year? Perhaps. Maybe the Jack Johnson show is low-key enough? If you have any other suggestions, throw them my way!

Bumper sticker of the week:

"I bet Jesus would use his turn signal."

Thanks, Chuck

Here is yet another reason why I will never step foot into a Chuck E. Cheese if I can possibly help it:
Chuck E. Cheese Birthday Marred by Brawling Moms

Should we call it "Twinsletown"??

Unless you've been living under a rock, you've likely heard that Jennifer Lopez and her husband welcomed boy/girl twins into the world this morning. The news was covered on the homepage of CNN's website. Honestly.

So add J-Lo and 'ol whatshisname to the growing list of celebrity parents of twins. Some of the others who joined the list this past year include Marcia Cross, Patrick Dempsey, Nancy Grace, and Dennis Quaid. Still more are rumored to be on the way including Jessica Alba and even (God help this blog if this one is true), Brangelina. If you tell me that Tori Spelling is having twins, I may self-implode.

I guess this trend shouldn't be surprising. The number of multiple births is on the rise among the general population. So, the fact that it is growing in this subset could be expected. But I must say, it annoys me.

Sound bitter? You bet.

But honestly, I'm struggling over here counting points and celebrity MoMs get back to their old glamourous lives within, like, A MONTH. This does not help my self-esteem one iota.

I know I shouldn't feel bad. They have nannies who will allow them to sleep through the night, trainers who will whip them back into shape and cooks who will prepare delicious, yet low-calorie meals for them. And if they aren't flawless every day, they'll have a stylist to help them out. Sure, I'm just guessing here. Maybe they're hands on. Maybe they do handle the 4 am feedings and eat a handful of potato chips for dinner. Who knows....

All I'm asking for is to just see one picture of a celebrity MoM (preferably J-Lo) with a little baby throw-up or poop on their designer clothes. It would go a long way towards making this mother of twins feel a whole lot better about herself.

No, I’m not pregnant…

…but thanks for asking.

As I was getting on the elevator to leave work yesterday, my same socially-challenged co-worker asked me (with an insane level of excitement) “Hey! Are you pregnant?” Um, no.

I laughed it off at first because it was such an awkward moment. I had to ride down 14 floors in the elevator with her and another co-worker.

Then I was sad. I may be down to pre-pregnancy weight but I have also lost all muscle-tone (thank you bedrest) so, yeah I’m bigger than I want to be. There is nothing funny about that.

Then I was M-A-D. Sure this woman made an honest mistake. I had a big, bulky coat on and she almost never sees me during the course of the workday. But unless they are waddling and holding their swollen belly, you should NEVER ask a woman if she is pregnant. Ever. Especially if you’re a woman yourself. I stewed all night about this.

Then I woke up this morning and realized: hey, perhaps this woman just did me a favor.

Instead of walking around waiting for my weight to just magically return to normal, I should take action. Sure, marathon training will help. But I have no intention of starting that until I can run outside, and that's still a good month away.

The moral of the story: I followed the Goddess’ lead and joined Weight Watchers this morning. Did you know you can do it online? I’m all about that. No cult meetings necessary. Just log-in and “meet” with others going through what you’re going through. Keep track of your points, get recipes, and just generally get the support you need. I feel good about this.

So, okay, thanks lady. In your own crappy way, you’ve given me that push that I needed.

An Open Letter

Are you there, God? It’s me, Cynthia.

Thank you for my three wonderful blessings: Alaina, Aaron, and Brady. I cannot imagine life without them and I thank You every day for their health and well-being. Thank you also for family, my friends, my health, my job, etc.

Um, just one thing, though: What’s up with my body?

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror on the way to the shower this morning, and I have some complaints. I know that I am thirty-something years old and that alone means change. And I accept that I have had three children (including one twin pregnancy) but still…this? Is this some sort of joke? If so, it’s not funny.

I did the “right” thing and breastfed the twins. Both of them. At the same time. As punishment, I now have breasts that look like something out of National Geographic. Is there something non-surgical I can do about this? Help a girl out.

My stomach is a work in progress, I realize. I had three babies so I get it. But my hair? While I enjoyed a nice thick mane during pregnancy, it is now falling out in clumps. I fear I may be bald some time in the very near future. If we could somehow stop this from happening, I would be very grateful.

Also, what's up with my eyes? The eye doctor told me that a decline in vision is normal during pregnancy. I did not realize that upon giving birth, I would still be walking around practically blind.

I won’t even get started on my back issues…. I'll just ask: do you foresee a time when I will ever be able to stand up perfectly straight again?

While we’re at it, I have some issues with my mental state as well. I was led to believe that my memory would be returning when pregnancy ended. It seems there has been some delay on that. It’s been six months and even things like remembering to only take one set of car keys to work are too much for me to handle. It seems the only things I can remember are child-care related. Believe it or not, I have more going on in life that I need to pay attention to.

In closing, I would like to make a deal with you: I’ll continue trying to steer the children in a direction you would be proud of. In return, I would appreciate any help you can give in stopping the process of me turning into some sort of old hag before my time.

Yours Truly,
C

Rejected.

Nice birthday present....

As is our normal routine for bedtime, I got the boys into their PJs and started to assume the position for our nighttime feed. I velcroed on on the twin nursing pillow and I picked up Aaron on the left and Brady on the right. Both boys with their lips smacking. I fired up my DVR and was ready to rock.

But then, the darndest thing happened. I got Aaron latched right on and I turned my attention to Brady and the screaming started. Screaming I swear the neighbors heard and considered calling DSS about. Awful.

My father came into the house a few moments later and I asked him to remove Brady and give him a little walk around the house. As soon as he was away from me he calmed down. I proceeded to nurse Aaron but worried about Brady. He still sounded a little fussy; hungry perhaps? My father presented him with a bottle and sure enough, he sucked down the whole thing.

WHAT? On my birthday, Brady?

I am hoping to chalk this one up to the fact that he had had a little tummy ache prior to getting into his pajamas and maybe he just wasn't in the right frame of mind tonight. I hope this is not a sign that he prefers the bottle to me. Damn that day care if THAT is the case....

The Cutest Cookie EVER

I realize this post is about a week late, but it's taken me this long to be able to think about this topic without getting all sad and teary-eyed.

So, Halloween night we had a toddler BOUNCING off the walls in anticipation of going trick-or-treating. The child could barely contain herself long enough to get into the costume! She was a very cute OREO cookie and you literally just wanted to eat her up. We dressed up the boys in their peapod costumes (they did not care one way or the other about them) and we were on our way.

Alaina rang the doorbell of our two neighbors and said "Trick or Treat" and "Thank you" like she practiced and got tons of attention and compliments. But it was downhill from there. Each house we went to where she didn't know the people, they looked at her, smiled, gave her the candy and then went on and on about the twins and THEIR costumes.

At first it was flattering, then it was frustrating and by the end, I was just mad. The girl could not have been ANY cuter - using her manners and smiling and being so good. And everyone looked right past her to the twins. I tried to turn the attention back to her at every house by pointing out how she was being a good big sister and "teaching" them how to trick-or-treat, or whatever. But still.

Thankfully Alaina did not notice. But someday, she will. I know that twins are fascinating and when you dress them in adorable matching outfits, you are asking for this kind of reaction. I guess I just expected that people would know enough to still pay attention to the toddler standing there looking all adorable and being on best behavior. But I was wrong. The draw of the twins was too much.

So, what to do in the future? They are part of our family; we can't leave them home. And we can't slap people upside the head and force them to pay more attention to Alaina. So, I guess we just have to do what we did and try to re-direct positive attention back to her. It's our love and attention she is craving anyway.

So a lesson out there for all of you readers: if you see a family with twins and they have other children, talk to the other children! Even if you talk about the twins, that's fine. But know that the twins get more than their share of attention and sometimes, the other children would like to get noticed as well.

Especially when they are dressed up like an OREO cookie.

Yes, Yes, Aaron & Brady, Yes, No, No, Yes, Most of the time, Yes

It is simply amazing how bold people can be when it comes to reproduction. The questions and the advice. I appreciate that people are curious and/or concerned. But I think that there is something about child-bearing that eliminates a person's ability to self-sensor.

I first experienced this when I was a newlywed "When are you having kids?" and "think you'll start trying soon?" Then, god forbid you're not pregnant by your first anniversary and the questions change to "are you having problems?" and the advice starts "have you tried....?" Ew. Mind your own business.

Then comes the happy day when you finally become pregnant. The questions get more intrusive and there is a lot of touching involved. There is also a ton of unsolicited advice and every woman who has ever given birth wants to share her birth story. Not helpful. Hearing how much pain I'm about to be in is helpful in WHAT way?

I thought things were bad with Alaina; but my twin pregnancy was much worse. My personal favorite encounter was on the elevator up to my office. A woman in my office who I don't know asked when I was due. I told her and her response was "Oh my God, I hope you're having twins" Well, yes, I am. So does that mean I look normal now as opposed to the big fat pig you just thought I was? Anyway, I appreciated the curiousity, but it is frustrating answering the same question 1,000 times. At least there wasn't as much advice since most people I encountered had no experience with multiples.

Once the babies are born, you not only have to swallow the advice and ridiculous questions, but you have to do it while trying to get through whatever you're doing before the baby (or babies) starts melting down. With Alaina my favorite was "is that a boy or a girl?" I could understand if she was dressed in neutral color. But when she had on a pink dress and a little barrett in her hair - think about it people.

And now that the twins are actually leaving the house on a regular basis, I am experiencing the twin curiousity I've heard other Mothers of Multiples speak of. And it's the same series of questions almost every time. Sometimes the order varies, but not often.

Yes - they are twins
Yes - they are two boys
Aaron & Brady - Aaron with an "A"; no, not for Tom Brady
Yes - they are identical
No - twins do not run in the family
No - we did not take fertility drugs
Yes - we have our hands full
Most of the time - we are getting sleep at night
Yes - I can tell them apart

I feel like I should just rattle off the information as soon as a stranger makes eye contact. Being out in public would be a lot easier if I could just wear a t-shirt that answers all the questions.

And as difficult as it is for me, there are twin mommies who have it slightly worse. I don't know how the mothers of boy/girl twins can stand to be asked the identical/fraternal question without slapping the asker. Honestly. I give those mothers credit. I couldn't listen to that question without having a visible, physical reaction. At least once I say identical, the questions shift more to how we can tell them apart and do we ever get them mixed up. Although, I do have a hard time with the "do they run in your family" question after I've said they are identical. But I realize people are misinformed. I also realize I'm busy and the countdown to a meltdown is always on when I have both babies in public, so I stick to yes or no answers and get along my way. I don't take extra time out of my day to explain the biological differences between idential and fraternal twins and why identical twins CAN'T run in families.

Perhaps as Mothers of Multiples - and mothers in general - we should all make up little flyers that we can just hand to strangers when they ask questions of us. "Thank you for your interest in my child(ren). Here, this flyer has should answer all the questions you are about to ask. Unfortunately I have to be on my way now, though, so I can finish up before screaming time."