Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho....

So, I'm back at work. The question is: am I happy or sad about that?

So far it seems like for every positive thing about being back at work, there is a negative. And for every negative, there is a positive. Here is just one example:

POSITIVE: I do not have to nurse two children on-demand during the course of the day, allowing me more freedom.
NEGATIVE: Because I am not actually nursing them, I need to pump twice a day while I'm there. I HATE pumping.
POSITIVE: Pumping affords me two (quiet) breaks during the course of the workday that I wouldn't normally get.
NEGATIVE: The combination of the quiet room and the whooshing of the pump put me almost to sleep making it even harder for my tired body/mind to function.

Unlike when I went back to work after Alaina's birth, I have yet to break down and cry in the office about leaving the children. Maybe it's because I've been through it before. Or maybe it's because I don't feel like I'm leaving them all alone this time: Alaina is home with her Daddy and the boys are with each other while at day care. Who knows.

The boys are adjusting well to day care. Like I said, they have each other so at least they have something familiar around all day. After some initial push-back, they are taking their bottles like champs for their care providers. As an added bonus, since starting the daily commute, they are riding better in their car seats. They will now sit for several minutes in a still car seat before starting to cry about the fact that they are not in motion. This is a dramatic improvement from the almost instant crying that used to take place. Red lights and stop signs are now significantly more enjoyable.

Alaina is doing very well staying home with her Daddy. She likes doing work with him and going on various errands throughout the day. When I get home from work, we all sit and have dinner together and discuss her day. After dinner, she gets down for a little more play time, however, it is now bedtime for the boys. Because I still nurse them at night, this significantly reduces my available "Alaina" time during the week. They are usually finishing up nursing right as she is going to bed. So, during the week, I only end up seeing her early in the morning (to say goodbye), at dinner, and for a few minutes before bed. I try to make up for this time on the weekends but, often, I am left feeling like I owe her more.

So, overall, I guess things are going as well as they can. I am happy to get out of the house. I'm happy to wear real clothes and interact with adults during the day. I enjoy listening to whatever I want on the radio while I commute. The boys are doing well at day care. But I hate pumping. And I am really feeling badly about my lack of time with Alaina. Although she is thrilled to spend so much time with her Dad.

Does it all even out in the end? Probably. I guess you can consider me a solid "neutral" about being back at work.